Everyone Says I Love You

Blind item: Which celebrity, who recently made the cover of People’s 100 Most Beautiful People, likes to remind you of that fact while you’re having sex with her? Just kidding about the blind item, it’s Drew Barrymore (pictured). She was always a dirty girl, but ever since that issue came out: [SFX: low whistle].

So. You’re on top of her, “giving her one,” as they say in post-war British literature, and she stares right up at you and says “You like that? You like fucking People magazine’s most beautiful person?”

How to respond to a question like that? Yes duh of course you like it! I mean hello! You owned Poison Ivy on VHS and DVD. But if you’ve learned nothing else in life, you’ve learned that if you want to keep fucking People magazine’s most beautiful person, you have to think carefully before you answer a question like that. Despite how you feel about it, do not say you like it. Because what does that get you? Where does that take the conversation? Do you like it / Yes in fact I do like it / OK just checking, proceed.

That is not the kind of sex the granddaughter of Hollywood legend John Barrymore wants. So when she asks you if you like fucking her, say “No,” and watch how wild her eyes get. See how intense her lovemaking then becomes. OK fine, on a certain level, you’re playing into some deeply ingrained self-esteem issues, common among celebrities in general and former child stars in particular. But it’s not just about that. It’s about wanting Drew Barrymore to know that you would be having sex with her even if she hadn’t recently been voted one of People magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People. Don’t you think she deserves at least that?

Oh man I just remembered she was also in one of the Amy Fisher movies. Nice.