Someone Please Have Sex With Perez Hilton
October 11, 2007
No was willing to have sex with Perez Hilton. I’m talking about no one. And I know what you’re thinking: “What about the homeless?” But no—apparently even they knew who he was and would have none of it, not even for a pile of money. So this was going to be a problem.
After the MSM withered away to nothing, internet advertising became the primary source of revenue for most corporations. But due to the fact that celebrity gossip was the only reason anyone used the internet anymore, the most popular celebrity gossip bloggers had become de facto oligarchs. As old and withered and horrifying as he may have been, Perez Hilton met no resistance when he made outrageous demands, threatening to stem the flow of celebrity gossip and send corporate profits into a tailspin if his needs weren’t met.
And now Perez Hilton wanted to have sex with someone, anyone, and no one was willing to volunteer. No man nor woman nor tween.
Recognizing the urgency of the situation, the government quickly mobilized the Senate Sub-Committee For Getting Someone To Have Sex With Perez Hilton. The main senator stood up in front of everyone else and began his speech: “Someone needs to have sex with Perez Hilton. I don’t care who, but someone has to do it. This has gone on long enough. The corporate branch of government is threatening to pull funding on the legislative, so I want ideas, and I want them now.”
“How about inmates?” one senator said. “Round up some prison inmates and just force them to have sex with Perez. Pitch it as a work-release program. Shave time off their sentences depending on how well things go?”
Most of the senators nodded in agreement with this plan.
“Jesus, am I the only one who remembers Gawkergate?” someone said. “Honestly.”
“My esteemed colleague is correct,” another said. “Forcing inmates to have sex with bloggers is now expressly forbidden, thank you President Kottke.”
“Come on people, ideas,” said the main senator.
“Fine,” someone said. “Regular inmates are out, but what about terrorists?”
“I like where this is going,” said the main senator. “Continue.”
“Well we have so many, and the latest reports from the penal cities are all ‘I CAN HAS OVRCROWDING???’”
“Works for me, let’s–”
“–Whoa now,” someone said. “Don’t the terrorists want to have sex with our celebrity gossip bloggers? Wouldn’t we be giving them exactly what they want?”
The senators debated this at great length and eventually came to the realization that they weren’t 100% sure where the terrorists stood on the having-sex-with-Perez-Hilton issue. But since no rational people wanted to, it seemed safe to assume that that would be exactly the kind of thing the terrorists would be all for. And we shouldn’t give in to their demands. Even if it would totally help us out.
“Fuck. So that’s terrorists out, asdfksd;jfdsa.”
And so despite weeks of debate and pinkie-sworn promises of quinti-partisanship, the Senate was unable to come up with a workable solution for getting someone to have sex with Perez Hilton. That was when the corporations began rioting, and soon afterwards Chancellor Calacanis was forced to announce the Sex Draft.