A Road Map to Bliss: Your Marriage to Mary-Kate Olsen

OK. Forthwith I present my treatise on maintaining a successful marriage to Mary-Kate Olsen. This document assumes you are able to meet her and get her to fall in love with you in the first place. Which is maybe a big assumption because it is no small task to keep bumping into her accidentally-on-purpose at various events as you subtly reveal to her that you share so many of her interests, slowly building your friendship into something more. So just to clarify, we begin at or near Mary-Kate having agreed to marry you; this document is not concerned with woo-ing her, it is solely intended to be an outline for a successful, mutually-beneficial, life-long partnership.

And a further addendum: this document should in no way be taken as a primer to a successful marriage with Ashley Olsen. That is a completely different matter; oranges are best kept off the table when discussing apples.

So. If you have not already asked for her hand in marriage, you at least have a fairly strong indication that Mary-Kate would assent, were you to ask. The first thing you need to do, in order to have a lasting marriage to Mary-Kate Olsen, is to get on Ashley’s good side. No matter how you look at it, this will be the biggest challenge of the entire relationship. It may even seem counter-intuitive (e.g. What matter, the opinions of the outside world, when two are in love?), but there is simply no getting around it. This is something you will have to do, if you’re serious about making it work with MK. Look at any picture of the girls: if they aren’t holding hands, or hugging, or perhaps sitting with their legs intertwined, they are certainly standing very close together. The two are literally very close, and Ashley is notorious for being very protective of her sister. It is not enough for you to merely gain Ashley’s approval, you will need to entrench yourself firmly in her good graces. With Ashley in your corner—fully confident that you do not intend to come between the sisters, far from it, that you are dedicated to MK, that you appreciate and cherish her relationship with her sister, and that you merely hope to love and devote yourself to MK in some small yet meaningful way—you will reap a lifetime’s worth of benefits. Ashley will be MK’s closest confident in all matters, always, you must accept and understand that. If ever storm clouds appear over your marriage to MK, she will turn to Ashley for counsel and guidance. If you have done a good job, Ashley will always turn her back in your direction, secure in the knowledge that you love MK dearly, and that you only want what is best for her.

Secondly, you have to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. I know, not at all romantic, what has society come to, et cetera. But you need to sign one. And it’s not enough to just tell MK that you’re willing to sign a pre-nup, knowing that you two are so deeply in love that such a test would never need come to pass. You need to insist and actually sign a pre-nup. You need to demonstrate (to both sisters) that you will be willing to walk away from this marriage with nothing. That is the only way it will work. It’s not enough to pay lip service to the notion of dedication. You need to be dedicated. If you have even the slightest whiff of carpet-baggery about you, the entire affair will bankrupt (pardon the pun).

Thirdly, do not lose sight of your sense of self. In no way must you ever view this marriage as a stepping-stone towards any of your personal goals, or as a means to help vet your various side projects. You have to make sure Mary-Kate knows that you have no desire to be a so-called celebrity husband. Rather, you will eschew the spotlight. Record deals and publishing contracts carry no truck for you. Quite the contrary: you will insist on keeping your day job, as proletarian as it might seem. Remember that you want a life with Mary-Kate, you don’t want her life. If she offers you a job at Dualstar, decline. Be disinterested. If she and Ashley persist over the years in offering you a position, you might eventually acquiesce, but you must not be too eager. And, should it come to pass that they entice you to join their corporation, do not assume a high-profile role. It would be best for you to work in a middle-management position, away from the spotlight, in a non-key capacity. It’s quite possible that you and Mary-Kate will want children, and you should offer to stay home with the kids for the first few months of their lives. A very high-level job would make this all but impossible.

And what else can I say, once you’ve cleared those major hurdles? As you and Mary-Kate go through life together, be a partner to her. Comfort her in times of distress. Do silly things to make her laugh. Surprise with small, kind gestures. Let her always know the ways in which you appreciate her. Ask, do not just tell, and perhaps most importantly: listen. Listen to Mary-Kate, actively and attentively.

There. I hope this helps. I have told you all I can, the rest is up to you. Marrying Mary-Kate will certainly be the hardest thing you ever do in life, but life’s richest rewards are its most hard-won. I hope only that I might be invited to the wedding! Now go, go and be married to Mary-Kate Olsen, forever.