Grothkill, +10 Master of Proper Nouns

December 21, 2006

It is a blessing and curse to be a fantasy writer these days. On the one hand, you can’t swing a dead cat at the movie theater without whacking an epic quest involving elves and dragons. You think surely, once you finish that novel you’re working on, you’ll be flooded with offers for book and movie deals. But on the other hand, every teenager with a D&D manual is getting a book deal, so the pressure is really on for you to actually finish the damn thing, and I mean fast.

So what can you do to speed up the process and finish your novel in a timely fashion? Good news: I can help, via the magic of outsourcing. I recently quit my job and am now a freelance writer of proper nouns for fantasy novels. We all know that the hardest part of fantasy writing is coming up with all those weird names for people and places, but I happen to be really good at it, so please utilize my innate talent to ease your hardship!

Just to show you how good at this I am, I will give away a few, for free. I can work in all the major fantasy arcana:

Elven:

  • Lyrria (an enchanted Elven queen, perhaps)
  • Illyirstrya (castle hidden within enchanted forest)

Dragon:

  • Gwohldjnna (dragon who lives alone in an enchanted cave)
  • Hrynful (enchanted cave (see above))

Human:

  • Malafash of Finkiln (warrior from sea-side town (threw in an extra one for you there!))
  • Boldkeep (castle that needs protecting, perhaps where an enchanted sword/princess lives)

Ogre/Half-Orc:

  • Fulgmjür (low-level worker creature, -3 intelligence)
  • Gröthmorg (fiery underground lair where the ogres are plotting their dastardly revenge. But look out, here comes Malafash!)

I guarantee that the proper names I give you will be 100% original and unique. You don’t want to find yourself embroiled in another Aragorn/Eragon controversy when you should be sitting back and collecting those fat royalty checks. By outsourcing the naming duties, your worries about being sued by the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien will practically vanish!

And please do not think this is one of those “ironic” blog posts, where the writer is actually poking fun at the thing they are writing about. This is not the case! I seriously just quit my job to pursue this avocation. I told my boss to go fuck himself and everything, so this has to work. No way can I go back there. To further prove my intentions, I am not even including all of the funny names I can think of, like Schmegmata and Vulvasaur.

Please contact me c/o this website if interested. Serious inquiries only. Please no sci-fi. Sci-fi is retarded.

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