Songs Devoid Of Melody & Charm

May 8, 2007

1. I have a friend whose main fear in life is that he’ll be unexpectedly asked to perform a comedy routine. He fears that at any moment he could find himself being pushed through a curtain onto a stage, suddenly standing in front of a live audience expecting to be entertained. I think the situation is probably quite avoidable (maybe you take pains to never go backstage anywhere?) but we are humans, and our warning label says “Prone to Capricious Irrationality.” This friend copes with his fear by having five minutes’ worth of material memorized at all times, so he could just get through the situation, should it ever come to pass.

2. Some people worry about where the blogosphere is headed. Back in the day, it was mostly people sharing about their lives, their stories. And then lately everything has moved to niche topic blogs diving after Adsense pennies. I don’t think it’ll be like this forever–we’ll eventually reach some terminal number of blogs about food or beverages or parenting and we’ll think: OK the end guy was tough but we did it. And then things will trend back towards personal stories, but with a twist: in the future, almost every blog will be written anonymously, or pseudonymously. The need to unburden ourselves will always be the best thing about the internet. We’ll want a place where we can share who we are, without having to worry about it coming back to bite us later. Which in a way is nice, the internet as a repository of unspoken dreams. But in another way, so sad, an entire race’s hopes floating away untethered. What is it about rejection. What is it about honesty. What does it say about the future of humans if we can share our secrets online but never in person.

3. As for me, my main fear in life has always been that I’ll be out at a karaoke bar, and all my friends will be rocking the awesome crowd pleasers, but I will be completely unable to think of one good song to sing. I will sit there and flip through the book and wrack my brain and not be able to think of even one passable song that would be unexpected yet still fun for the crowd. Or maybe I’ll have a ton of good ideas but none of them will be available on the machine. This fear could be due to any number of factors having to do with my musical tastes (the fact that JoJo and I have wildly divergent singing ranges; the continual refusal by the karaoake mafia to incorporate underground hip-hop into their playlists). So I don’t know. For the moment, I don’t go out much, I mainly just stay at home and update my website. What about Steve Wonder. That’s fun, right? “I Was Made To Love Her.” Where would that stack up against “Wanted Dead or Alive” or some other hair metal jam that’s been karaoke’d to death. Do you think that karaoke machines have that Stevie Wonder song?

4. I have another constant fear, which is that that I will one day accidentally drop my cell phone down a public toilet. But that is a whole other issue.

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