Did Dina Lohan Put Lindsay In Rehab Just To Get Her Out Of The House?
June 1, 2007
Finally, fully prepared to just give up and be sad forever, having exhausting every other option under the sun, you decide to risk everything and put an ad up on Craigslist Casual Encounters. Seeking attractive older woman to dominate me. I’ll do anything you want.
Fingers crossed, please let this not turn out horribly. Please let the person who responds not be a coworker or some horrible misconfiguration of skin and hair.
A reply came from Dina666@aol.com “Really you’l do anything I say?”
There was something sweet and sad and a little scary about that email address. Something desperate about the misspelling. You agreed to meet in person.
You couldn’t believe your luck, when you saw her. You didn’t recognize her, or place her name, you were too focused on the fact that someone actually attractive had reponded to an ad on Craigslist. Surely the first time that’d ever happened. And then she took you back to her place, which turned out to be a mansion? You realized that this must be a joke– you were being filmed and would regret having done this for the rest of your life. You would have to move to Arkansas and try to start a new life. Maybe get a job in a grocery store. Or worse: you were going to die here, tonight; she was a deranged killer and you would never be heard from again. What would happen to all your cats?
It wasn’t until an hour later –she had you shackled to the 4-poster bed, and was doing things to you that you did not know the names of and were going to have to look up on Urbandictionary later –when you realized: OMG this is Lindsay Lohan’s mom.
You didn’t dare let on that you knew who she was. Whatever was happening between you was magic, and you weren’t about to break the spell.
Luckily, Dina brought up the subject of her daughter first. It was later –much later– after she untied you, helped you fashion a tourniquet from an old t-shirt, and apologized for some of the names she’d called you. You hadn’t minded. She smiled, snuggled in close and pulled the sheets up.
“It’s so nice and quiet here without Lindsay around.”
You froze. Were you supposed to nod in recognition? Were you supposed to ask where Lindsay was, even though every blog on your feed reader had been posting all week about how she was in rehab again? Was now the right time to mention that you’d seen The Parent Trap six times, and had memorized the handshake she does with the butler? You decided: No, and went for a noncommittal hmm/nod-and-eyebrow-raise.
Dina seemed lost in thought, so you changed the subject. “This was my first time posting an ad on Craigslist.”
“It was my first time responding to one,” she said. “Something about what you wrote…”
Suddenly Dina was sobbing, curled up in a ball. “She never listens to me! She never does anything I tell her!”
You held her for a moment, until the tremors began to subside. Then you began pulling the sheets down off your bodies.
“That sounds really frustrating. Tell me more about it,” you said, and guided her hand to the cat o’ nine tails.