Christmas in L.A. with Julia Roberts

December 17, 2008

julia-robertsChristmas is a good holiday because there are so many sexy outfits available for your (or in this case, Julia Robert’s) sexual fantasies. Not just the normal ones, like Winter Wind and Desperate Snowman. Hasn’t enough been written about them? Yes. But no: tonight is the night for Mrs Clause and her Strapping Elven Fuck Doll.

The idea behind this fantasy, if you haven’t heard it, is that there’s one night each year that Mrs Clause has to herself, because…well, here’s how Julia Roberts explains it:

“It’s very early morning, Christmas day. The sun has not yet risen o’er the Arctic tundra.” [Swear to God she said ‘o’er’.] “Santa still has a few more stops to make in some God-forsaken country on the far side of the world, and won’t be back for hours. The elves–so exhausted from crunch time these last few weeks and the revelry that commenced as soon as the sleigh lifted off–are all fast asleep. All except one. Mrs Clause has been anticipating this moment, all through the long year. She sits on her bed and waits, tender with desire, barely able to contain herself.”

Then Julia hands you your costume and a page-long outline, points you to a room at the end of a hall in her gracious mansion, and gives you 10 minutes to get ready. Easy enough! You glance over the script as you get undressed. Seems straight-forward. You pick apart the clothes she gave you and–OK. The only odd thing, it needs to be said, is why Julia Roberts wants you to play the part of Mrs Clause. Weird, right?

There’s a knock at the door as you slip the wig on and affix the beaded neck chain to the reading glasses.

I mean you would have assumed that she’d be Mrs Clause and you’d be the Strapping Elven Fuck Doll. Right?

“LINE!” Julia Roberts yells from outside the bedroom door.

“Um why who could that be?” you say in your best Mrs Clause voice. Which is similar to your best Tom Petty impersonation. “Come in!”

The doors opens and there is Julia Roberts dressed like Heinrich the Elf (curvy shoes, bells, whatever). She’s way too tall to be an elf, BTW, but since when has Julia Roberts been afraid to play against type?

“Oh my, Heinrich,” you say. “What are you doing here? I fear Santa has not yet returned from his travels.” You’ve got the script down on the bed, right next to you, just in case, but it looks like most of the scene is over at this point. Could have just improv’d it, right? I mean come on. You’re not going to impress Julia Roberts sticking to book.

Heinrich comes sauntering in. And yikes he’s got something stuffed down the front of his, what, jodhpurs? Codpiece? What do elves wear. Anyways there’s marked protuberance. Your mind fast-forwards to a place that was not previously agreed upon.

“Santa forgot to pack something,” Heinrich says.

“Oh dear me,” you say. “What could that be?”

Heinrich grabs your hand and puts it on his crotch, then throws you down on the bed, flips up your quilted skirt, etc etc. We won’t go into all the sordid details, which are definitely sordid. Heinrich keeps your mouth quite busy the entire time, so you don’t get many opportunities to ad-lib, but you throw out a couple lines like “Am I being good this year, Heinrich?” and something about him putting his candy cane deeper into your stocking. And then there’s one part where Heinrich says something about Santa possibly noticing that your blouse is torn, and you make a reference to the first time Mrs Clause and Heinrich did this, hinting at the back story, which suddenly opens up a bunch of directions for the scene to go. It’s all coming to you out of nowhere, from the ether. You feel electric.

Afterwards, lying on the bed, both catching your breath, Julia says “Whew! And…scene!” and laughs. That unashamed, open-mouthed laugh she has.

You thank her for the opportunity–you were really connecting with this character–and ask if she has any notes. It’s really about the process for you. She says No, thanks, everything was fine, and see you around.

So, great! This all worked out great. You feel pretty good about your day. Next time, if she asks you back, you feel like you’ll be able to make an opening to tell her about your script. So that’s positive. Things are definitely moving forward. Another year.

7 Responses to “Christmas in L.A. with Julia Roberts”

  1. mattymatt Says:

    I knew, if I stayed subscribed to this RSS feed for long enough, it would eventually be worth it.

  2. walker Says:

    oh yeah, just one post like that a year is worth it alone.

  3. sheila Says:

    the person who posted this, are you the same Jason Stratham who is a British actor that made the movies transporter 1,2,3, crank, war, ect…..?

  4. sheila Says:

    the more i pray for you the more i want to now about you! i wish i was able to talk to you somehow! this is meant for the Jason Stratham who played transporter 1,2,3, crank,bank job ect… i feel lead to pray for Jay to find his true love and the more i pray the more i want to know this guy to know how to pray..many times i would pray for people and God would lead me into directions to help the person i am praying for…deep down inside i feel Jay is wanting to find that perfect woman to marry and have children(DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE WANTS TRUE LOVE)(NO DON’T THINK I FEEL I AM THAT PERFECT WOMAN)( BESIDES I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN AND I’M 10 YEARS HIS ELDER i’m a old lady (oh yah, i’m married 22 years this july 17, 2009) , i also believe there is also something else he wants but i am unclear. about 14 years ago my husband and i moved up here from Florida. My dad needed a new mattress and my husband and i were lead to a woman who sold the cheapest mattresses around but somehow she felt to call us for help all the time,to deliver beds to peoples homes. She was always battling with the owners of her store building. She was a hard to get along person but i had felt that God wanted me to help her..her place was filthy cat and dog pooh everywhere and i was stuck cleaning it( for free, a service for God), one day i had to help her to move because the owner of her building wanted her out(she was evicted)(She had this idea if she did any type of remodeling in the building she had the right to own it, well the landlord had another opinion and wanted her out. How could i believe God would be leading me? Being around this woman was so hard. One day i was helping her along came a car it pulled up in front of me. A woman yelled out asking for Opal, see Opal had told her she had a friend who had a ham that would donate it to this woman named Mary and she wanted to see if she could get it, i replied that was me, i have the ham..later on her daughter went to the church i was attending to pick up the ham..we became real good friends..your probably wondering what does this have to do with what was posted…it doesn’t it has to do with prayer, God ,and Jason Stratham..see this young lady i met was looking for love and also a young man was looking for love and the only thing they had in common was they were both christians and they had a friend they both knew but that friend was not bringing them together for some reason (Opal)..well that is why i was enduring some of the worst conditions of my life for a purpose such as this (TO BE THE ONE WHO BRINGS THES TWO TOGETHER)…see this young lady who is called candy. I met her, she was the daughter who picked up the ham for their christmas dinner that i had purchased. I had met a man named Willis months prior who would call up and pray with me, well one day i asked Candy to go to the juvenile correction court with me to talk to the children about Jesus, then Willis calls and i asked him to come along. That day these two people met each other and later became husband and wife AND HAD a cute adorable baby little girl THEY CALLED HER HOSANNA ( she is such and the woman i was helping knew all three of us but all she did was insult each other, all i did was say use me God( Willis and Candy are married). I am so happy that God used me to bring two people together..obviously their is alot more to the story. when we were in one of the rooms talking to the young girls about Jesus Willis was telling the young girls how that he was given a promise from God that one day he would be given a woman to marry(he was sexually active before being a christian and it ws 5 years after being a christian he had not been with a woman, he was waiting to have sex until he was married and when he said that a vision came over me….Candy telling me how a man at her church prophesied she was going to get married that was when i realized what God was doing he was using me, i knew before they did that they were going to get married. You wouldn’t believe how many people who told them they were not meant for each other..their parents, friends..they were actually at one point thinking why are they bothering with each other..but i knew, that day at csi…childrens study institute which is called jcc juvenile childrens court now they where going to be married. i knew the day they met, i knew also that once they become husband and wife our friendship would come to an end..i told her that before candy and willis went on a trip, before they got married, i still remember her saying. sheila we will always be close friends, i’ll dump him before i lose your friendship. her and her knew husband came back from their trip as husband and wife and that is when our friendship deteriated..well it’s not like i didn’t already know it.i knew, but my job was to do what God had purposed me, i was in her life as a friend for a short time and i left (MY PURPOSE TO BRING TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER)..there were times i wondered how were these two people going to get married, they were testing each other all the time..i remember scoulding her, WHY NOT JUST SHOW LOVE, STOP TESTING EACH OTHER.. but God worked out the situation and for over 7 years they are still married..see this is the reason i need to find out why Jason stratham is so heavy placed on my heart. Opal was placed on my heart so heavily to help her, Candy was placed on my heart so heavily to help her, Willis was placed on my heart so heavily to help him, at the end this young girl ended up with a husband which she felt she would never have and a child which her mother and brother told her she would never have..i still remember her mother getting mad at me because i was supporting her to carry out a dream she had had. I know every time God sends me out to help someone i have to tell them, i know you think i,m a cook but God wants me to talk to you( THE FUNNY THING IS IF THEY THOUGHT I WAS A COOK AT THE BEGINNING THEY DIDN’T AT THE END). i need to somehow get in contact with Jason stratham.

  5. sheila Says:

    yes, i know i am horrible at writing things, that is not a gift i have!!

  6. sheila Says:

    i just found out you are not the jason i was thinking you were.

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