paris-prison.jpgIn most cases you are not actually allowed to bring gifts when you visit someone in prison. If you could bring something, Paris would probably appreciate things like:

  • Books (particularly mysteries and thrillers)
  • Pictures of her family
  • Healthy snacks
  • Your company. This is what means the most, in the end: visiting and spending time with her, telling stories, helping just one hour to pass more quickly.

You should not bring things like a metal file, instructions on how to make a shiv, a video from the internet of some other celebrity gloating and saying mean things about her, a rape whistle, or a made-up list of advice from Martha Stewart. None of those things are funny.


April 5, 2007

We can put a man on the moon but there are no videos on YouTube of Mary McDonnell and Patricia Heaton making out. I checked. 😦

Nice Evan Rachel WoodThe world is abuzz with news that Marilyn Manson, having been drop-kicked by Dita Von Teese, has taken up with the legal-as-of-18-months-ago Evan Rachel Wood. How could such a thing come to pass? the world says. Will the poor innocent dear even know what a pearl rabbit is, when he tells her to crawl across the floor on her knees to retreive it?

Some background and clarity:

Since Evan Rachel Wood was 12, she has been winning praise from fans and critics alike for her performances as troubled and sexually precocious teenagers. Jessie in Once and Again, Tracy in Thirteen, Kim in Pretty Persuasion, and Tobe in Down in the Valley. These are the roles that get talked about. No one talks about how good she was in The Missing, because no one wants to see her in The Missing. We only want to see her being underage and having (or more accurately: desiring) sex. It’s what her entire career has been built on.

But now she’s no longer underage, and she won’t be able to capture the public’s attention with that type of performance. So what is an actress–craving the public’s affection, and knowing it only responds when she does something provocative–to do? Man I do not know, but hey how about have sex with the grossest guy ever?

So if you’re wondering who strapped Evan Rachel Wood to Marilyn Manson’s pommel horse, who dressed her in vinyl and and tightened her ball gag, who plugged in the Sybian and arranged the flavored lotions just so, I think maybe you should just take a look in the mirror.

Super busy this week, but I promise I will always make time to tell you about things that annoy me.

Which Olsen?1) A lot of people caught this error, but it’s worth mentioning. I know they’re twins, but jesus fuck, they’re fraternal twins. Even if you can’t parse their fashion styles (which are DISPARATE and writ large across the movie screen of the universe), or remember which one does what with her hair (in a world where we get hourly updates on such matters) they’re different heights. Note to hack journalists: when in doubt, Ashley is more put together. You should know this. There are 10-year-olds who know this.

2) Dear grown men who tuck their shirts into their pants but don’t wear a belt: if I catch you on the street doing this, I have to resist the urge to kick you in the neck, and I am very bad at resisting urges. Please stop, you look like you’re 5.

3) I was all excited for winter, so that I wouldn’t have to see people wearing Crocs anymore. But it looks like women are all tucking their jeans into their furry boots this winter? I guess someone said that was OK? Even though it’s making me die a little inside, so now I’m eager for warmer weather again? Even though I look forward to colder weather all year, because I like that part of my wardrobe better? Please tell me this is just a function of where I live, and people aren’t doing this in other cities. Like I’m in my own private Jericho, just replace “nuclear holocaust” with “do not dress like that,” and replace Skeet Ulrich with…no, leave Skeet. Skeet’s great.

MK01OK. Forthwith I present my treatise on maintaining a successful marriage to Mary-Kate Olsen. This document assumes you are able to meet her and get her to fall in love with you in the first place. Which is maybe a big assumption because it is no small task to keep bumping into her accidentally-on-purpose at various events as you subtly reveal to her that you share so many of her interests, slowly building your friendship into something more. So just to clarify, we begin at or near Mary-Kate having agreed to marry you; this document is not concerned with woo-ing her, it is solely intended to be an outline for a successful, mutually-beneficial, life-long partnership.

And a further addendum: this document should in no way be taken as a primer to a successful marriage with Ashley Olsen. That is a completely different matter; oranges are best kept off the table when discussing apples.

MK02So. If you have not already asked for her hand in marriage, you at least have a fairly strong indication that Mary-Kate would assent, were you to ask. The first thing you need to do, in order to have a lasting marriage to Mary-Kate Olsen, is to get on Ashley’s good side. No matter how you look at it, this will be the biggest challenge of the entire relationship. It may even seem counter-intuitive (e.g. What matter, the opinions of the outside world, when two are in love?), but there is simply no getting around it. This is something you will have to do, if you’re serious about making it work with MK. Look at any picture of the girls: if they aren’t holding hands, or hugging, or perhaps sitting with their legs intertwined, they are certainly standing very close together. The two are literally very close, and Ashley is notorious for being very protective of her sister. It is not enough for you to merely gain Ashley’s approval, you will need to entrench yourself firmly in her good graces. With Ashley in your corner—fully confident that you do not intend to come between the sisters, far from it, that you are dedicated to MK, that you appreciate and cherish her relationship with her sister, and that you merely hope to love and devote yourself to MK in some small yet meaningful way—you will reap a lifetime’s worth of benefits. Ashley will be MK’s closest confident in all matters, always, you must accept and understand that. If ever storm clouds appear over your marriage to MK, she will turn to Ashley for counsel and guidance. If you have done a good job, Ashley will always turn her back in your direction, secure in the knowledge that you love MK dearly, and that you only want what is best for her.

Secondly, you have to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. I know, not at all romantic, what has society come to, et cetera. But you need to sign one. And it’s not enough to just tell MK that you’re willing to sign a pre-nup, knowing that you two are so deeply in love that such a test would never need come to pass. You need to insist and actually sign a pre-nup. You need to demonstrate (to both sisters) that you will be willing to walk away from this marriage with nothing. That is the only way it will work. It’s not enough to pay lip service to the notion of dedication. You need to be dedicated. If you have even the slightest whiff of carpet-baggery about you, the entire affair will bankrupt (pardon the pun).

MK04Thirdly, do not lose sight of your sense of self. In no way must you ever view this marriage as a stepping-stone towards any of your personal goals, or as a means to help vet your various side projects. You have to make sure Mary-Kate knows that you have no desire to be a so-called celebrity husband. Rather, you will eschew the spotlight. Record deals and publishing contracts carry no truck for you. Quite the contrary: you will insist on keeping your day job, as proletarian as it might seem. Remember that you want a life with Mary-Kate, you don’t want her life. If she offers you a job at Dualstar, decline. Be disinterested. If she and Ashley persist over the years in offering you a position, you might eventually acquiesce, but you must not be too eager. And, should it come to pass that they entice you to join their corporation, do not assume a high-profile role. It would be best for you to work in a middle-management position, away from the spotlight, in a non-key capacity. It’s quite possible that you and Mary-Kate will want children, and you should offer to stay home with the kids for the first few months of their lives. A very high-level job would make this all but impossible.

And what else can I say, once you’ve cleared those major hurdles? As you and Mary-Kate go through life together, be a partner to her. Comfort her in times of distress. Do silly things to make her laugh. Surprise with small, kind gestures. Let her always know the ways in which you appreciate her. Ask, do not just tell, and perhaps most importantly: listen. Listen to Mary-Kate, actively and attentively.

There. I hope this helps. I have told you all I can, the rest is up to you. Marrying Mary-Kate will certainly be the hardest thing you ever do in life, but life’s richest rewards are its most hard-won. I hope only that I might be invited to the wedding! Now go, go and be married to Mary-Kate Olsen, forever.