Web 2.0: On Notice

August 2, 2007

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I asked, I received. Thanks Mike!

  • On my forehead – Like when it’s all hot and humid outside, and I’ve had a long day, I think rubbing a nice cool iPhone across my forehead would be the ticket to relaxation. Maybe have some classical music on soft in the background.
  • On my calves – Sometimes my legs get super tired from walking. And also my calves get very itchy from wearing socks all day. Really giving my calves a vigorous scrub with an iPhone would feel so good. With the side of the iPhone, not the touch screen part. Really go at it.
  • On my buttocks – Nothing weird. I just think it would feel nice, if it was done very softly.
  • On my feet – Not all the time, but as a special treat once in a while. If you did it every day you would get used to it and it wouldn’t be as nice. Maybe a woman from Korea could give the soles of my feet a brisk rub with an iPhone as part of a pedicure or something? Like when you need that extra something special but you’re not sure what, she pulls out an iPhone and you’re like Oh heck yeah!
  • harry-potter.jpgThere are a few scenes that could definitely be shorter.
  • Some holes having to do with Harry’s history are filled in.
  • The whole Voldemort thing comes to a head.
  • Harry doesn’t die, but for a while there it looks like he’s going to.
  • A dozen Dementors circle jerk Hermione while Snape watches.*

*Refers to the Livejournal edition of the text only

I was going to wait for a few more reviews before deciding if I needed to spend the money, but in the end I couldn’t hold out any longer, and picked one up last night.

Snap review: aiming seems to work really well, and reloading finally just makes sense, but I agree with what others have said about the lack of a dedicated trigger.

1. I have a friend whose main fear in life is that he’ll be unexpectedly asked to perform a comedy routine. He fears that at any moment he could find himself being pushed through a curtain onto a stage, suddenly standing in front of a live audience expecting to be entertained. I think the situation is probably quite avoidable (maybe you take pains to never go backstage anywhere?) but we are humans, and our warning label says “Prone to Capricious Irrationality.” This friend copes with his fear by having five minutes’ worth of material memorized at all times, so he could just get through the situation, should it ever come to pass.

2. Some people worry about where the blogosphere is headed. Back in the day, it was mostly people sharing about their lives, their stories. And then lately everything has moved to niche topic blogs diving after Adsense pennies. I don’t think it’ll be like this forever–we’ll eventually reach some terminal number of blogs about food or beverages or parenting and we’ll think: OK the end guy was tough but we did it. And then things will trend back towards personal stories, but with a twist: in the future, almost every blog will be written anonymously, or pseudonymously. The need to unburden ourselves will always be the best thing about the internet. We’ll want a place where we can share who we are, without having to worry about it coming back to bite us later. Which in a way is nice, the internet as a repository of unspoken dreams. But in another way, so sad, an entire race’s hopes floating away untethered. What is it about rejection. What is it about honesty. What does it say about the future of humans if we can share our secrets online but never in person.

3. As for me, my main fear in life has always been that I’ll be out at a karaoke bar, and all my friends will be rocking the awesome crowd pleasers, but I will be completely unable to think of one good song to sing. I will sit there and flip through the book and wrack my brain and not be able to think of even one passable song that would be unexpected yet still fun for the crowd. Or maybe I’ll have a ton of good ideas but none of them will be available on the machine. This fear could be due to any number of factors having to do with my musical tastes (the fact that JoJo and I have wildly divergent singing ranges; the continual refusal by the karaoake mafia to incorporate underground hip-hop into their playlists). So I don’t know. For the moment, I don’t go out much, I mainly just stay at home and update my website. What about Steve Wonder. That’s fun, right? “I Was Made To Love Her.” Where would that stack up against “Wanted Dead or Alive” or some other hair metal jam that’s been karaoke’d to death. Do you think that karaoke machines have that Stevie Wonder song?

4. I have another constant fear, which is that that I will one day accidentally drop my cell phone down a public toilet. But that is a whole other issue.

I was thinking about Veronica Mars the other day and then later, perhaps coincidentally??? I read about how that show is probably going to get cancelled. Which is fine, I stopped getting weepy about shows I like being cancelled a long time ago. PASSIONSo hardened is my heart that I don’t even watch TV anymore, I just wait for the hivemind to sort it out, then make the necessary changes to my Netflix queue.

But anyways what I was thinking about Veronica Mars was actually about that song by Louis XIV. (Don’t make me link to an mp3 or the video, this is hard enough.) I realize there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t even dare to have that song on Chlamydia, my iPod. Their name is dumb, and the singer has a horrifying affected accent, and they’re associated with that blogger girl who for some reason everyone hates, and they sound like the world’s worst Hold Steady cover band. Gotcha.PASSION

And yet, and yet. That is the the song that was playing in the background when Veronica and Logan Echolls first made out, on the balcony at the motel, so for me it will always be a song that speaks to the heated ferocity and rollercoaster horror of unbridled animal lust.

So I was listening and thinking that if PASSIONVeronica Mars the show ever got cancelled, the actors who play Veronica and Logan should just make it their job to be in porn movies together. Because I would watch that shit all day. I’m not even sure which one I’m more attracted to. Or if attraction is even the point. It’s just the primal, ineffable magnetism between the two, their complex, tortured coupling transcending all space and time.

And so now that it looks like the show is a goner, I just wanted to put my vote out there, in terms of what kind of entertainment I could see replacing the hole in my life that will be left by the show. Hivemind, do with this information what thou wilt.

Driveway by lennbobSometimes when you are parked at a house, they have a steep, curved driveway and no room at the top for you to perform a K-turn, so you can’t drive back down going forward as you are generally accustomed to. So you have to drive in reverse, but you are scared because the driveway is unfamiliar, and it’s nighttime and you should have left hours ago, plus maybe you had an imported beer or two, I mean you’re not drunk, just a little buzzed. Fine to drive. You do it all the time. Whatever. The point is, you are pretty certain that there is no way you’ll be able to back your car down the driveway without ramming into the wall or banging into one of the poplars or something.

The trick is to not use the rear-view mirror AT ALL. I know it’s hard to avoid that temptation, because you think: I am going backwards, I need to see what’s behind me. But you DO NOT. You can’t actually see the driveway back there, and plus you will get caught up in the “turning the wheel left turns the car not the opposite of the way you think it would” business that always comes with driving backwards.

Instead, you’ll want to hunker down low into your driver’s side mirror. Do not remove your eyes from the driver’s side mirror the whole way down the driveway. If possible, get it angled down so you can see the back left tire. Put her in reverse and go slow, and what you do is keep a tight but comfortable distance between the rear left tire and the edge of the driveway. When the curb starts to shift and get farther out or closer in from the tire, turn the wheel to compensate and maintain the distance. Just go slow and do that the whole way down and you will be all set. You will be back out in the road and off to see your other girlfriend or home to update your blog or whatever in no time. Serious. I hope you found this lifehack helpful.